Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
