So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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