I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
