i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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