i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
