my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize