I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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