if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
