Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
