I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
