Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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