You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
