somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
