Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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