I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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