she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Four minutes until I can fart!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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