I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
