I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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