i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
