I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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