She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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