I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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