i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
