my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
