Umm I'm too high to move.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
this beer tastes like vomit already
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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