The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I lost the right to judge tonight
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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