If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize