my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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