I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
