Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
