Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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