My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
