Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
