I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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