I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
