I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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