then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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