What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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