There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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