Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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