Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I deserve this hangover.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
