I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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