you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
