My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
