in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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