First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
