i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
