Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
