I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
