why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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