Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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