just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
