I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
