I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
