I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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