I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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