between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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