there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize