I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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